Hard Decisions

I struggled over whether I should include the following information in AnnaClaire's blog. After all, this blog is about her but I felt that I needed to include it to show God's Grace and how AnnaClaire is undoubtedly the child that He had planned for us.

In November 2004, HFS received a list of Waiting Children. The last week of December, Jeff and I decided to petition for one of the children on the list (who we planned to name Carly) with a minor special need. I knew that this was totally out of Jeff's comfort zone and a complete act of faith for him. A month later, when we were still waiting for PA, the Waiting Child coordinator called us and told us that there were more serious needs that this child had. After much prayer and after talking with several people in the medical field, we decided not to pursue the adoption of that child. Below is the post that I made to the group after we had made our decision....

'I couldn't decide yesterday whether or not to email the group to let them know that we had decided not to pursue Carly's adoption. It is a long story that I know many of you wouldn't understand and I wasn't sure if it would serve any purpose to try to tell it. I will try to explain it the best I can. Several years ago, I felt that God was leading me to adopt from China. My husband, on the other hand, thought I was crazy and he wasn't afraid to let me know. Eventually, God moved in ways that let me know that there was definitely a child for us in China. In 2000, my husband and I finally sent in the application to our agency. A short time later he told me that he couldn't do it. I was devastated. BUT I also knew that China adoption was part of God's plan for us so instead of pressing my husband, I just prayed that God would soften his heart. Finally, on March 9, 2002 my husband came to me and said he was ready to adopt. On March 9, 2003 our daughter Alexandra was abandoned at the gate of her SWI. We received her on December 7, 2003-my husband's birthday. The next morning at breakfast, my husband was just staring at her and then he looked over at me and said 'Everyone should do this at least once'. It was then that I knew we would be going back for a mei mei. We decided to start the process as soon as possible. We decided to go with a different agency this time-HFS-and we are so glad we did. When HFS got their new WC list, I did not even fill out the paperwork to look at the new WC because I knew Jeff would never agree to adopt a child with SN. Finally, when the list became public, I started praying about some of the children. My thought at the time was 'why wouldn't God want us to adopt one of these kids?' When we looked at Carly's file, I knew that CL/CP was something thatwe could handle. I have a friend with a daughter with a CP and she is waiting for TA for her son who is CL/CP. She was invaluable forgiving me information. Every day, I would ask Jeff if I could call Sherry to tell her that we wanted Carly. I said to him, 'If adopting Carly is not part of God's plan for our family, it won't work out.' At the time, I never thought that it wouldn't. Jeff said to call Sherry and let her know that we wanted Carly. When Sherry called last week with the news about Carly, we weredevastated. We knew that with Allie only being 11 weeks older than Carly that any additional SN would be difficult to handle. I knew that Jeff was really stepping out of his comfort zone to adopt achild with ANY special need. Our first instinct when Sherry called was 'this is too much' but then after we had time to think about it, we decided to try every avenue to make it work. We seemingly hit brick wall after brick wall. All the while, we prayed and had friends pray for God's will to be shown to us. As sad as it was, we felt that God had other plans for Carly and other plans for us. We love Carly. I cry for her every day. I have tears streaming down myface as I type this. I wanted to be the family that God had plannedfor her but it was not meant to be. I know some of you can't understand our decision and I can appreciate that. Just please don't think that we made this decision lightly and please don't think that we didn't love Carly enough to do whatever it took. My greatest wish is that the Carly forever family will find her soon. She will be in our thoughts, our prayers and our hearts forever.'

As soon as we made the decision not to proceed with Carly's adoption, I knew in my heart that we were following God's plan and that we had made the right decision...BUT there was still that nagging feeling of 'was it really His Will?' When we got the referral call for AnnaClaire on October 3, 2005-two years to the day after we had gotten Allie's-I felt that God was truly letting me know that we had done what He wanted and that this child was the child He had always planned for us. Then Sherry told me her birthdate...March 9, 2005...the anniversary of both the day that Jeff finally decided he was ready to adopt and the anniversary of the day that Allie was abandoned. I will never doubt that AnnaClaire is the one for our family!